How to Give Feedback to Employees: The Toothpaste Test
Updated: Aug 27
When I was writing What They Didn't Teach You: Difficult Conversations, I wanted every chapter to contain one memorable idea that readers could immediately apply at work.
One of the simplest, and one proof readers mention to me most often, is what I call The Toothpaste Test.
It starts with a very simple question.
If you had toothpaste down the side of your mouth, would you want someone to tell you?
Most of us would answer that question without hesitation. Of course we would. In fact, we'd probably be more annoyed if dozens of people noticed and nobody said a word.
We'd happily accept ten seconds of mild embarrassment if it meant avoiding a whole day of unknowingly walking around looking foolish.
Yet in leadership, we often do exactly the opposite.
We notice behaviours that frustrate colleagues, reduce performance or damage relationships, but instead of speaking to the person involved, we tell everyone else. We mention it to another manager, discuss it over coffee or quietly sympathise with colleagues. Meanwhile, the one person who can actually do something about it remains completely unaware.
The Toothpaste Test
Imagine arriving at work with a large blob of toothpaste down the side of your mouth.
You attend meetings, speak to customers, present to senior leaders and chat with colleagues throughout the day. People notice it. Some smile politely, others ignore it completely and a few even mention it to each other afterwards. Perhaps somebody even tells your manager.
Yet nobody tells you.
At the end of the day, you catch your reflection in the mirror and immediately realise what's happened.
The frustrating part isn't the toothpaste itself. It's knowing that dozens of people saw it and nobody cared enough to quietly pull you to one side.
That's why I call this the Toothpaste Test.
Whenever I'm deciding whether to give someone feedback, I ask myself one simple question:
If this were toothpaste on their face, would I want someone to tell them?
The answer is almost always yes.
Feedback Is an Act of Kindness
One of the biggest misconceptions in leadership is that feedback is something we do to people. I believe the opposite. Good feedback is something we do for people because it gives them something they didn't have before: awareness.
People cannot improve behaviours they don't know they're displaying. If someone doesn't realise they're interrupting colleagues, missing commitments or creating unnecessary frustration, they have no opportunity to change.
Staying silent doesn't protect them. It simply delays their opportunity to improve.
That makes feedback one of the kindest things a leader can offer. Not because it's always comfortable, but because it's genuinely useful.
When we choose not to have the conversation, we're often protecting ourselves from discomfort rather than protecting the other person.
We avoid an awkward few minutes today, but in doing so we deny them the opportunity to improve tomorrow.
Gossip Isn't Feedback
One of the most common phrases I hear in organisations is:
"I'd like to give you some feedback about James."
Usually, what follows isn't feedback at all. It's an observation, a frustration or a complaint shared with somebody other than James.
Real feedback only becomes feedback when it reaches the person who can actually act on it. Until then, nothing changes. The behaviour continues, frustration quietly builds and relationships slowly deteriorate.
Talking about people rarely improves performance.
Talking to people often does.
As leaders, we should certainly listen when concerns are raised, particularly if patterns begin to emerge. But listening shouldn't become a substitute for helping the right conversation happen.
If James never hears the feedback, James never has the opportunity to improve.
Why Leaders Stay Silent
Most leaders don't avoid giving feedback to employees because they don't care. They avoid it because they do.
They don't want to embarrass someone, damage a relationship or be perceived as overly critical. They convince themselves that saying nothing is the kinder option.
Ironically, the opposite is usually true.
Without feedback, people continue making the same mistakes because they don't know they're making them. Colleagues become increasingly frustrated, trust begins to erode and eventually what could have been resolved in a calm five-minute conversation becomes a formal performance discussion.
By the time that happens, everyone feels the issue has become much bigger than it needed to be.
The cost of avoiding feedback is almost always greater than the discomfort of giving it.
Which Colleague Would You Trust?
Think back to the toothpaste example.
Who would you trust more?
The colleague who quietly pulled you aside after five minutes and said,
"Just so you know, you've got a little toothpaste on your face."
Or the colleague who noticed it first thing in the morning, said nothing and then spent the rest of the day discussing it with everyone else?
The answer is obvious.
One protected your dignity.
The other protected their own comfort.
Leadership is no different. Great leaders don't enjoy giving difficult feedback, but they understand that honesty, delivered respectfully and privately, is one of the greatest acts of kindness they can offer another person.
In fact, some of the leaders who have had the greatest influence on my career are the ones who were prepared to tell me something I couldn't see for myself. At the time those conversations weren't always comfortable, but looking back, they were invaluable.
Giving Feedback to Employees Creates Opportunity
Every piece of feedback creates a choice.
Once someone understands the impact they're having, they can choose whether to continue or change. Without awareness there is no choice, and without choice there can be no improvement.
Very few people arrive at work intending to frustrate colleagues or underperform. More often than not, they're simply unaware of the impact they're having on those around them. A conversation gives them the opportunity to see what they couldn't previously see.
That's why I've come to believe that feedback isn't really about correcting people.
It's about giving them information they didn't have yesterday.
Final Thoughts
The next time you notice something that could genuinely help another person improve, ask yourself one simple question:
If this were toothpaste on their face, would I tell them?
If the answer is yes, perhaps the kindest thing you can do is have the conversation.
Leadership isn't about protecting people from feedback. It's about protecting them from unnecessary failure.
The leaders I've admired most throughout my career all had one thing in common: they cared enough to tell me what I couldn't see.
Some of those conversations were uncomfortable, but every one of them helped me become a better leader.
Because people can't fix what they can't see.
Continue Your Leadership Journey
Read the Book
If you enjoyed this article, you'll find many more practical leadership frameworks in What They Didn't Teach You: Difficult Conversations. The book explores real-world conversations, memorable principles and practical tools to help leaders build trust, improve performance and tackle the conversations most people avoid.
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FAQs:
How should managers give feedback to employees?
Effective feedback should be specific, timely and focused on behaviour rather than personality. Managers should explain what they observed, why it matters and what needs to happen differently. The objective should be to create understanding and improvement rather than simply criticise the employee.
What is the Toothpaste Test for giving feedback?
The Toothpaste Test, developed by Paul Bensley, is a simple way of deciding whether feedback is likely to be useful. Before giving feedback, ask whether the person can realistically do anything with it. Like toothpaste squeezed from a tube, some things cannot easily be put back or changed. If the recipient cannot act on the feedback, consider whether saying it will genuinely help.
What makes employee feedback constructive?
Constructive feedback gives the recipient something they can understand and act upon. It focuses on observable behaviour, its impact and what could be done differently, rather than vague criticism or personal judgement. Good feedback should help someone improve rather than simply make them aware that their manager is dissatisfied.
When should a manager give feedback?
Feedback is generally most useful when it is given close enough to the event to remain relevant, while allowing enough time for the conversation to be thoughtful rather than emotional. Managers should avoid allowing small issues to accumulate until they become much larger performance or relationship problems.
Should managers give feedback immediately?
Not always. Immediate feedback can be useful when the issue is straightforward and emotions are under control. For more sensitive situations, it can be better to take time to understand what happened and prepare for the conversation. Speed matters, but quality and judgement matter more.
What is the difference between feedback and criticism?
Feedback is intended to help someone understand the effect of a behaviour and improve what happens next. Criticism often focuses on what was wrong without providing a useful route forward. Effective feedback should therefore be actionable rather than simply negative.
What is the FBI Framework for difficult conversations?
The FBI Framework structures a difficult conversation around Feeling, Behaviour and Impact. It helps a manager explain how a situation feels, identify the specific behaviour creating the issue and describe the impact that behaviour is having. The aim is to make difficult feedback clearer and less personal.
How can managers give negative feedback without damaging the relationship?
Focus on the behaviour rather than attacking the person's character or intentions. Be clear about what has happened, explain why it matters and allow the employee to provide their perspective. A difficult conversation handled respectfully can strengthen a working relationship because expectations and concerns are made explicit rather than left unresolved.
What feedback should managers avoid giving?
Managers should be cautious about feedback that is vague, personal, unactionable or primarily designed to make the person giving it feel better. The Toothpaste Test asks a useful question: Can the recipient realistically do something with what I am about to say? If not, reconsider whether the feedback needs to be given in that form.
Why do managers avoid difficult feedback conversations?
Managers often delay difficult conversations because they fear conflict, damaging the relationship or making the situation worse. The problem is that avoidance rarely removes the issue. Behaviour continues, frustration increases and the eventual conversation often becomes more difficult than it needed to be.
How do you start a difficult conversation with an employee?
Start by being clear about why the conversation is necessary and the specific behaviour or situation you want to discuss. Avoid lengthy introductions designed to soften the message so much that the employee cannot understand the issue. Be respectful, specific and give the other person an opportunity to respond.
How often should managers give employees feedback?
Feedback should be part of normal management rather than something reserved for annual reviews or serious performance problems. Regular, proportionate feedback allows employees to understand expectations, reinforce effective behaviours and address problems before they become established.
Can giving feedback improve employee performance?
Yes, when the feedback gives employees useful information about what they are doing, why it matters and what they can change. Feedback is most likely to improve performance when it is specific, actionable and followed by appropriate support or coaching rather than treated as a one-off conversation.
Where does the Toothpaste Test come from?
The Toothpaste Test is part of Paul Bensley’s work on difficult conversations and feedback and is explored alongside other practical approaches in What They Didn't Teach You: Difficult Conversations. It reflects a simple principle: before giving feedback, consider whether the person receiving it can actually do something useful with it.
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